“I have spent many years trying to push the memory of what I have done to the back of my mind, but it won’t stay there.”
As I look back on my post-abortion life, I realise that so many of the mistakes that I made and created for myself were due to the subconscious image I had created of myself. I had killed my own baby.
How could anyone love me when I couldn’t love myself?
I had begun to drink heavily and use drugs. I had severe depression in which I contemplated suicide. I had, and still have, horrible nightmare involving babies and people trying to kill me. I still get depressed and cry a lot. I pray at night that God will let my baby know that I didn’t kill him because I hated him. I long to hold him so much now that it hurts, and I want him to know that.
I harbour secret fears that one of my children will be taken from me because of this horrible act that I have committed. This fear was compounded when I almost miscarried one of my children at twelve weeks. I feel sure the problem was connected to my abortion. The problems go on and on. I had never allowed myself to calculate the month that my baby would have been born. Recently I figured out when the baby would have been born and was horrified when I realised that it was within weeks of when both m children were born. I felt intense pressure from within myself to become pregnant at this particular time with both my children. And now the realisation has hit me that subconsciously I have substituted my live children for my dead child, by conceiving and giving birth at the same times.
I have spent many years trying to push the memory of what I have done to the back of my mind, but it won’t stay there. I have constantly compared my dead child to what he would have been doing had he lived. I understand that most women who choose to abort experience the same feelings. My child would have been in first grade this year. It’s very hard for me to look at a first grader.