The beginning
I was with her for a year before she got pregnant. I wanted the baby so much, but she didn’t. The day came of the abortion, and I drove her to the hospital. I wanted to change her mind, but I couldn’t. I find it difficult to forgive myself for taking her.
Anger
For three weeks I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I found myself turning to violence for a weird comfort. One evening, I was in town drinking. All I could think about was my dead child. This one guy bumped into me and started with the big man talk. He put his hand on my neck, and I lost it. I held him by the scruff of his neck and began smashing mu fist into his face. It took two doormen to drag me away. The next morning, I cried and cried and cried. After this, my violence to other people stopped, but I found myself taking stupid risks just to feel alive.
Rebelion
One morning I was driving myself and a girl I worked with into work. I was pushing the car to its limits and lost control. The car went spinning and crashed sideways into a wall. I watched as my workmate was taken away in an ambulance. What had I done? The next night, I found myself out with a lad I knew had died in a crash that morning. This was when I realised that I didn’t have to die, just because my child had.
Healing
Although I am still sad by the abortion, I have made peace with it. Healing is possible, even when you are at your lowest point. It just takes time. I am truly sorry to all the people I have hurt as a result of the abortion. I also thank God for watching over me, as I know I could have died in that car. I pray his forgiveness… not just for myself, but for her as well.
